Every body of believers will encounter the hard cases. This part addresses them honestly, with biblical fidelity, and with the pastoral care these realities require. It is not exhaustive; the eldership of the body must apply scripture to particular cases with prayer and care.
6.1 Divorce and Remarriage
The New Testament treatment of divorce is centred on Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7, and the foundational principle of Genesis 2:24.
Matthew 19:4-6
““Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””
The foundational principle is plain: marriage is meant to be permanent. Divorce is contrary to God’s original intention. Matthew 19:8 — “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.”
Two grounds for divorce are explicitly named in the New Testament:
Sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9). Where one spouse is unfaithful, the wronged spouse may divorce. The text does not require it; many marriages have walked through adultery and been restored. But the wronged spouse is free.
Abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Where the unbelieving spouse leaves, the believer is not bound. Many bodies apply this principle, by analogy, also to a professing believer who effectively and persistently abandons the marriage covenant (through prolonged desertion, refusal to live as spouse, or sustained unrepented gross sin).
Where there has been abuse. Many bodies recognise that an abusive spouse has so violated the marriage covenant that the wronged spouse is freed from the obligation to remain. This is not a third explicit New Testament ground, but it is widely treated as a faithful application of the principle that one spouse cannot be obligated to be destroyed by the sin of the other. The eldership must walk with the wronged spouse pastorally and with great care.
Where divorce has happened, the question of remarriage requires further care. Most bodies hold that the spouse who divorced biblically (on a permitted ground) is free to remarry; the spouse who divorced unbiblically is in a more complex situation that requires pastoral discernment and repentance for what was contrary to God’s intention.
The local eldership should have a clear written position on divorce and remarriage that they teach to the body, and they should walk each particular case with prayer, with humility, with attention to the Spirit, and with whatever counsel the body requires.
6.2 Mixed Marriages — Believer with Unbeliever
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
“To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”
Where a Saint married an unbeliever before coming to faith, or where a marriage was entered with one spouse later walking away from faith, the believing spouse is to remain in the marriage if the unbeliever is willing. The believing spouse’s walk with Christ is the means by which the household is sanctified and the unbelieving spouse may yet come to faith (1 Peter 3:1-2). The eldership supports the believing spouse with prayer, practical fellowship, and patient counsel.
What about entering into such a marriage? 2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” Saints contemplating marriage should marry within the Lord. A courtship in which one party is not a believer should not proceed to engagement until that has been resolved. The principle does not justify dissolving an existing mixed marriage; it does instruct future marriages.
6.3 Adultery and the Pathway to Restoration
Adultery is one of the most devastating betrayals a marriage can suffer. It is also one of the wounds Christ specifically heals.
Acknowledgement. The adulterous spouse must come to deep repentance — not merely apology, not justification, not minimisation. Genuine repentance includes full disclosure to the spouse, complete cessation of the affair, ongoing transparency, accountability to other believers, and bearing the costs of what they have done. Anything less is not repentance.
Distance and protection. A period of separation — not yet divorce — is often wise during the early restoration work, while the wronged spouse processes the pain and the adulterous spouse begins the work of restoration.
Help. Professional Christian counselling, eldership pastoral care, sometimes inpatient programmes for compulsive sexual sin, depending on the case. The restoration is not done alone.
The wronged spouse’s choice. Scripture does not require the wronged spouse to forgive in the sense of reconciliation — that requires both parties. The wronged spouse forgives in the sense of releasing personal vengeance to the Lord. Whether the marriage is restored depends on whether genuine repentance occurs and whether the wronged spouse is given grace to walk back into it. The eldership walks with them and does not pressure either way.
Restoration takes years. Trust broken by sustained sin is not rebuilt in months. Couples who walk faithfully through restoration find that the marriage often becomes deeper than before, but it is the work of years.
6.4 Abuse — The Church’s Response
The biblical teaching on abuse must be clear, unambiguous, and practically helpful. The church’s historical failures on this issue have been real and serious. The Lord requires better.
Abuse is sin. Physical violence, sexual coercion, sustained emotional and verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, intimidation — these are not marriage difficulty. They are sin against the spouse. They are not the proper exercise of headship; they are the failure of basic Christian character (1 Timothy 3:3 — “not violent… not quarrelsome”), and disqualify an abuser from any office of leadership in the church (1 Peter 5:3 — “not lording it over those entrusted to you”).
The abused spouse is not bound to remain in danger. The submission language of the New Testament never sanctions submission to abuse. “As to the Lord” — the wife’s submission has Christ’s authority as its frame, and Christ does not require His daughters to be destroyed. Safety comes first. The abused spouse may, and should, leave the abusive situation to safe accommodation.
Children’s safety. Where children are in the household and abuse is occurring, the children must also be protected. Patterns of abuse often extend to the children even when the primary target is the spouse.
Involvement of authorities. Where a crime is being committed — physical assault, sexual assault, threats of violence — the relevant civil authorities should be involved. The church is not a substitute for the criminal justice system in matters of criminal sin.
The eldership’s response. When abuse is disclosed, the eldership stands with the abused spouse, not with the abuser. The abused spouse is believed by default — not in the sense that no investigation occurs, but in the sense that they are not interrogated, blamed, or sent back home as if the abuse were their failure to submit properly. The abuser is confronted, called to deep repentance, removed from any position of leadership in the body, and walked through whatever discipline the body practices.
Reconciliation is not assumed. Even where the abuser professes repentance, restoration of the marriage is not automatic. Genuine repentance of patterns of abuse takes years, often involves intensive professional help, and may never be sufficient for the marriage to be safe. The abused spouse is not required to return until safety is genuinely established, and may be released from the marriage where it is not. The eldership walks with the abused spouse in this discernment without pressure or guilt.
The church’s long obligation. A body that has had abuse occur within it must walk with the abused Saint and any children for years — practical help, spiritual support, freedom from shame, integration in the body, advocacy where needed. This is part of the body’s ministry.
6.5 Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption
Many households walk through deep grief in the area of childbearing. Infertility — the inability to conceive — carries a particular pain that often goes unspoken. Miscarriage — the loss of a child before birth — is a real bereavement, often unacknowledged by surrounding community. Stillbirth and the loss of young children carry weights that few outside the experience can grasp.
The body’s response. Acknowledge the pain. Do not minimise (“you can have another”). Do not theologise prematurely (“God has a plan”). Sit with the grief. Mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). The body that walks through this with the household becomes part of the household’s healing.
Adoption. A faithful path that many Christian households are called into — receiving children whom God has placed in need of a family. The biblical pattern of adoption is rich (Romans 8:15 — the believer’s adoption as God’s child). Adoption is not a second-best solution; it is a calling in its own right. The household called to adopt should be supported by the body.
Singleness and infertility. Some Saints will not have biological children — because of singleness, infertility, or other circumstances. The body must honour these Saints and find the places where their spiritual fatherhood and motherhood can be expressed — in the children of the body, in mentoring relationships, in mission, in the long generations of Saints they pour into without bearing biologically.
6.6 Widowhood and the Care of Widows
1 Timothy 5:3-4
“Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
The New Testament gives extensive instruction on the care of widows, reflecting the practical reality that widowhood often involves financial vulnerability and the loss of household structure. The pattern: families care first; the body cares where families cannot; widows themselves are received as full members of the body, often serving in distinct ways.
For the widow herself, the season is one of profound grief, often of practical disruption, and ultimately one in which the Lord becomes Husband (Isaiah 54:5) in ways not previously known. The body’s role is to walk faithfully with the widow through the years of adjustment — not just the first months when casseroles come, but the longer years when the loss settles into the rhythm of daily life.
6.7 Children Who Walk Away from the Faith
One of the deepest griefs Christian parents carry is the adult child who walks away from the faith in which they were raised. This grief is not a failure of parenting per se — even faithful parents have children who walk away — and it should not be carried as such. But it is a real grief.
Continue to walk with them. The parental relationship continues. Honour, love, communication, prayer — these continue. The parent does not give up on the child; the parent also does not coerce the child back.
Continue to pray. Many adult children who walk away come back, sometimes after years, sometimes after decades. The prayer of parents over many years is among the most powerful ministries in the world. Augustine’s mother, Monica, prayed for him for nineteen years before he came to Christ.
Do not assume the worst. Sometimes the walking-away is a season; sometimes it is the working-out of a faith that needed to become the adult child’s own rather than inherited. The Lord works through many paths.
The body walks with the parents. Parents in this grief need the body’s support — prayer, listening, the freedom to talk about the child honestly without judgement, the encouragement to remain faithful even when results are slow.
6.8 Generational Patterns
Many households inherit patterns from previous generations — addiction, divorce, abuse, anger, infidelity, certain forms of dysfunction. The Lord redeems generational patterns; He does not leave them.
Naming the pattern. The first step is honest acknowledgement: this is the pattern that runs in our family. Not in self-pity, not in fatalism, but in honesty before the Lord. Generational patterns kept hidden are generational patterns that continue.
Renouncing the pattern. Active, conscious renouncing of the lies, the sins, the dysfunctions that have been passed down. The household claims its inheritance in Christ — a different inheritance than the one received from earthly generations.
Walking the new pattern. Day by day, year by year, choosing the new way the Lord is forming. Where the parent had absent fathering, the Saint determines to be present. Where the parent had unaddressed anger, the Saint addresses it. Where the parent had cycles of addiction, the Saint walks in freedom with help. The new pattern is built slowly, with the help of the body and the Spirit.
Watching the next generation. Where the parents have done the work, the children typically inherit the new pattern rather than the old. The reversal of a generational pattern is one of the most powerful gospel testimonies a household can produce.